H.E.R….

I care about Sunshine tremendously. I love her with everything I have within me….
Sometimes I pinch myself to see if this is real, the idea that I am capable of loving someone so much, that I would do anything for them…and I’m not dreaming…did that before and she came true…
I’d do anything for her and to be around her.
I know I disappoint her at times, can make her furious at me, may even make her cry…
And God knows that I never want or wanted to hurt her…ever.
This time I know Im giving her my best..that I am working hard and being consistent with my personal growth and maturity…and that I can roll into a Tiffanys one day, cash in hand…walking out with a lil’ blue box just for her…
My love for her is genuine…and I can honestly say that I can never feel so real about someone like I do for her…that I could never love someone the way I love that woman…

I love H.E.R….

Damned if I don’t…

Sometimes, I think to myself about what would make life easier….the absence of certain things, the presence of others…perhaps the omittance of emotions and feeling in general…
One thing is clear to me….I have and continue to be taken for granted…for damn sure at work…I feel unappreciated. Common. Un-special.
With everything that I work and strive to achieve and give to my family and loved ones, and build for my future.
I have been working extra hard lately…for the betterment of my career, the benefit of my family, and the future that I look to build.
And I honestly have been feeling drained…left with just enough to seemingly get me by…and as far as my time, looking to spend every available moment with someone I care for deeply.
I don’t know….it seems like I am always continuing to validate something in some area of my life. And in many cases, it can be considered justfiable to question my drive and grind…..
but never when I give my all and put my heart into it…..
I am so lost right now….I just feel like no one understands what I am trying to do with what I have….
I am living my dream! I have the love of my life back and wanting to grow with me! And am working damn hard to get a nicer crib and buy her a beautiful ring! I am working hard to ensure my future!
…and am really trying to keep my balance in and throughout life…

Sometimes, I just dont know what to do….damned if I don’t….

It has me question if I really am giving my all….in work? in life? with my love?
And honestly, it has me answer that question with a resounding yes…

Structure

My mind…

Flooded with a constructive consciousness,
I seek to build something more…

A foundation of impeccable strength
The fortitude to welcome opposition with
mighty, sinewed arms of victory
A platform of maturity fortified with an
unwaivering stability of garnered wisdom
With tools of knowledge firmly in my grasp,
I will scale the ladder of success and
transformation to shape and mold MY future,
My drive is my steam that allows me to reach
out with every fiber of my being…
His will for me…

Innundated with a constructive consciousness,
I have every tool necessary to assemble a
more advantageous, more capable, more abundant….
Me

E’rbody

A random note…
mucho stuff on the mind…Im never afraid to show my true, unfiltered heart and nature to anyone, be them friend, foe, familiar, stranger…hence why I love to post and share…

To all my “fans”…lol…who have been reading, or to my good friends who know me, I have been in a state of transformation….for the betterment of me…
On many, if not all occasions, being aware of a change in yourself is usually made known to others instantly, if they know you well enough, which will bring it about to your attention, meaning you my not notice it when or as soon as it happens….
But I have truly been able to step outside of myself at times, and witness the person I have become and still am becoming. Definitely not the same goofy, lanky, stubborn child that was a terror unto himself…rather a man on fire for the Lord and working above and beyond his potential, taking advantage of every opportunity presented to him, and strengthening his weaknesses…and making strong attributes stronger…

Recently, there were some things that were brought to my attention that I felt have been holding back my growth and that have sought to stifle me in terms of my “self-modification”. As I always have done, I look to God first in all things and prayed on the subjects that I felt that were still boggin’ me down at this time.

I know God hears my prayer and conversation with Him, knows exactly what I need to do, what/whom I need to detach myself from, and what/whom I need to pull closer….just based on my visit to MD last week, I have had a “righteous” slap in the face as to a solution in which to remedy a situation that plagued me as of late, God speaking via my mother.

And during my time of meditation and reflection this week, I have had a sense of relief as to what was on my mind and where my heart was focused….and since that very relief, my focus has shifted. And I am still intent giving my best to everything, whether or not it or I, or they deemed “worth it”….that is how I roll…that’s my steez, son!…lol

With everything I do, with all God has called me to do, my heart is and will always be IN it…be it God, my career, my family, my lady, my friends, my enemies, my church body, strangers and acquaintances alike…and regardless of its reciprocated or not in effort or in other folks, we as people and Christians are called to love just as much as if it were taken with the same effect…
2 John 1:2-6…

So yes, I will endure the ignorant, the mundane, the “blah”, the boring, the self-righteous, the deceiver, the unbeliever, the liar, the thief, the egotistical, the laughable, the cold-hearted, the heartless, the “big-talkers”, the “false walkers”, the wicked, the sickened…even those who seek my downfall and wish for me to fail…
Because a believer on earth, I am called to live life abundantly and be Christ’s example until the day I am called from here.

I am not anyone to judge anybody, and I know my Father knows me better than I know myself, so my optimism will always remain optimal in my dealings with people, be them in the Body of Christ or not….
some are meant to be “cut” away, some are meant to be called closer to you to be beneficial to one or one another…that’s my revelation…

I love e’rbody….

Heart

Within the past couple of months, I have in a state of “wanted” transformation like never before. Knowing that building character and maturity cannot be done overnight, I have sought to eliminate unnecessary, unwanted distractions, changed my eating habits, my workout regimen, and focus all on my spiritual growth and relationship with God. With my recent “quest/thirst” for knowledge, I have read many books, articles, and quotes and discovered many ideals when it comes to “effort” and the overall concept of love and its many forms. Be it through the Metaphysical studies, religious doctrines, or simple How-to guides, the ways of the heart and “just how to use it” are out here and are plentiful.
To love is the most important lesson that we learn while we inhabit the planet earth. Life is ALL about love. Loving others as we love ourselves and supplying much adoration to the Father. Think about it…

God IS love!

It is in love and when we love that we are like God the most.
Human beings are naturally self-centered individuals. It is encoded within us to want to protect ourselves, an instinctive survival mechanism. So learning to love unselfishly and unconditionally is NOT an easy task. And for me, that is not an area I struggle in. I truly have a heart, on fire for God, and because I accept whole-heartedly His love for me, because I am truly grateful for that unconditional love that is housed internally within me, I radiate that love outwardly, onto others and seek to be a righteous example and testimony.
I am sometimes very capable of wearing my heart on my sleeve. I sometimes say things that can be viewed as “extra” and emotionally charged. My emotions can be clearly read on my face often. Trust, I am told this by co-workers and family alike.
God made me specifically in this way, just as He made each and every one of us differently, fearfully, and wonderfully. I put my heart into EVERYTHING I do. My best effort. 110% of Chris is put into his work, family, friendships, relationships…even to the homeless man that needs a helping hand. Granted, left unchecked, this kind of “love” can be like a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde situation, so I am constantly examining myself each and every day, ensuring that I always strive to show affection and love, only as God would do, and not taking advantage of my gift.
I used to often ask God why my heart is so “big”? How I can be so empathetic with a complete stranger? Why I am able to form strong bonds with people and care about them as if they were my own flesh and blood? I know that through much prayer and meditation, my heart is the way it is because I truly have a love for people…heck, I have a love for everything!
Take a walk in the park with me…observe as I watch leaves fall to the ground from a tree…truly in awe of God’s wonder and glory as He made everything the way He desired, down to the smallest blade of grass…
Sit in a lounge with me, while a saxophonist plays a melody that feels like it was almost made for this moment….as I sit with eyes closed, absorbing the music like a sponge, seemingly through every one of my senses…
Visiting a museum, I become like a kid in a candy store, enveloped by color, artistry, and creativity, appreciating each piece of work as if I had created it myself, in amazement of God in every brush stroke of every painting…
Whether you realize it or not, every time you appreciate something as it is, when you see God in every area of nature, life, and beauty, as He is present, you are demonstrating love and a true appreciation for the Father.
I can speak personally when I say that my relationship with the Father is very real. In my studies and research, I have learned that when a parent is absent in a relationship with a child, in my case my father, God desires a unique relationship with that child, to fill the “spiritual” role so strongly, that the “physical” role of a father is almost “negated” in a sense. I can be a testimony that until my late teens, and until my salvation, I was a very angry person because of my father’s absence. It was only this earlier year that I sat and wrote out my heart to him in a letter addressed to Rock Island, Il, stating that I had forgiven him and that I was no longer angry at my situation, but ecstatic that I was achieving my dreams and goals and moving forward with my life in a positive manner.

In closing, I challenge anyone who desire to read this and accept that we are creatures made to love to live life everyday as if it were your last…because tomorrow is truly not promised to you…and express love outwardly and genuinely….and last but certainly not least, put your heart into everything you set out to do….

peace….
and love.

Nocturnal Notions of an Original Individual

4:30 am in NYC…yes, Im still up…
and I have had a very loooooong day….and apparently, it will sail right into my weekend…
I had deadlines to meet at work, so me being the responsible, J-O-B having, job-lovin’ individual that I am , I stayed extra late to finish up my pieces and the line for Spring ’08. I walk through Times Square every day to and from work. I am always amazed at the light, sounds and people that flood New York and create this “energy” that I have fully embraced and have been embraced by.
There is something about walking through the area very late at night…you have the opportunity to see something that can inspire, evoke emotion, or just plain have you laugh….

For instance, I witness a pimp discipline his “product” in front of a “customer”…
and for the record, he was dressed and behaved liked the pimps that we often do see portrayed on television….real shiny clothes, flashy jewelry, permed and pressed hair….and the “voice”….squeaky, high-pitched and loud…which was crazy cause this dude was at least 6’ 2”…
But the convo he had with a “client” was interesting…only caught a bit of it, but I’ll recall for you….and no, I kid you not…

”Man, the I don’t know what’s wrong with ya’ll? I’m an honest pimp!…and pimpin’ is a mastery in itself! I’m an honest man and I give it a 100%….I make my paper just like you do!…equality is needed because we are all people…I don’t cause no harm to nobody!”

Deep, huh?
“Pimp in Distress!”
I really wish I knew how that started…or what the heck he was talking about for that matter…I might have waited around to hear them finish that…he explained it with sooo much passion and effort, you had to be there….lol

Or this dude that is laughing uncontrollably…and at nothing at all….and talking over his shoulder as if someone is there…and responding to “them” as if a question was posed to him……Trust I have learned that you don’t ever look in these people’s directions…it’s like an unwritten rule that should be posted at every single corner of New York….
DO NOT MESS WITH CRAZY FOLKS!!!…then again, that’s an unwritten rule everywhere…

Even the people that sleep on the streets and in public areas, that sincerely allow me to appreciate what I have and never take it for granted…

I do take my time with my walk tonight. For some reason, I am in no hurry to get home right away…I am a nocturnal creature anyhow….plus I am rocking to Kanye West’s Graduation on heavy rotation in the iPod…
yeah, I got the album already, homey….I got connects….lol

I dunno….I guess it’s easy to surmise that I enjoy my own company at times…which is something that everyone should be able to say. It is not too farfetched to imagine that there are some folks that actually cannot be alone and cannot be by themselves for too long of a period of time…be it for a couple of hours in a day or outside of a relationship…anytime I am by myself, I take it to reflect and think about “stuff”….and I have had A LOT of “stuff” on my mind as of late…hence the many blogs/notes I have written and typed….Ii is seeming endless, which is not really a bad thing at all…

There is a part of me that NEVER wants to grow up…of course, I am a man and growing daily and becoming more mature with every experience and moment….my mind is so imaginative and so insightful and so open because of my personality, playfulness, and genuine love and care for everyone…I was always encouraged to be a “kid” growing up, which is truly what I attribute to the way I think…outside of the box and unlike anyone else….which allows me to be really good at what I do…and getting better everyday…
not boasting, just a fact…

Yeah, I am silly at times, and will laugh out loud at something funny, and will watch cartoons, and eat Lucky Charms, and play video games every once in a while, and wrestle and tease my brother when I see him, and wander around the toy aisle in a store sometimes, and cut a step in a crowded store for no reason whatsoever…lol….
I LOVE life!!!…and everything it brings and has to offer…

Man, the train tunnels are truly infested with rats…not mice, RATS!…actually, infested is an understatement…and these suckas are BOLD!!! They WILL climb upon the platform, how they do it, I do not know, but they will peek their little heads up, sniff around, stare you right in your eyes….give you the finger, and then scurry off in the other direction….LOL…but at least they only come out at these hours…I guess they hate rush hour as much as I do…Oh boy, and their tails look disgusting, dude…lol

Man, trying to burn off this Red Bull sucks!!!
I worked out, looked up some new recipes to cook and bake which I shall implement very soon, I type a wonderful blog for folks to read at their desks when they should be working or enjoying the outside, and I am not remotely tired….I don’t normally drink the stuff, but after today, and me dozing off on the Macbook several times, I needed to stay awake to finish up my line….

Oh wait….maybe I spoke too soon….the eyelids getting kinda heavy…lol
As random as this blog is, I truly enjoy writing in general, especially poetry…I just see this as preparation for the books that I am writing and will be published, which I am really excited about…
Stay tuned for that….

Hey, stay tuned in general….
maybe the next one won’t be as random…but no promises…
still in the “wilderness”…

Peace.

I Wanna be a R.E.A.L Man!!!

Most definitely, I want to be this type of brotha! Not to ring the alarm, but I am on my way…lol…
While I do possess ceratin qualities listed below, I still have others that need focus, attention, and work on by yours truly….
Though I will never be perfect, I will strive to Christ-like and keep deeply rooted in Him.
A man can say he is religious or spiritual or believes….but what does that mean???
I do not get impressed when someone says that they know God or believe or even got a bible sitting on their dresser, all dusty and whatnot…but it is all in practice and all in actions…your walk, your talk, how you live your life…
What is different for you between believing in a “higher power”, doing your thing and being completely subservient, realize your way of thinking is ALL sorts of jacked up and trusting, not just “believing”, who knows you better than you know yourself?

Needless to say, this is something that I must want for myself and and must do with my own walk. Many men claim and say things in the name of God to women…and later show their true colors….a revelation proven in the past and very recently by a very popular, world-famous ministerial husband and wife team.
Again, I am in no way perfect and in no place to judge anyone, but I know that I must be “whole” before I can truly ever say I am someone’s man….

I have the desire…I want my “blessing” to look at me as a true leader and trust in me no matter what…

I need to be R.E.A.L….

The Characteristics of a R.E.A.L. man:

1. Rejects Passivity (Genesis 2:15) (Proverbs 6:6-11)
a. Has vision for his life
b. Knows where he is going
c. He is actively pursuing the call of God
d. Makes a difference in society

2. Eternity (2 Corinthians 4:18) (Ecclesiastes 3:10-11)
a. Lives for the world to come (not for this world)
b. Understands true contentment can only be found in God (the only one who is eternal)
c. Recognizes the brevity of life
d. Is a good steward here on earth
e. Lives to bring God glory

3. Aware (James 1:15) (Ephesians 4:21-24)
a. Aware of who he is, how he thinks, and how his heritage, life experiences, skills, gifts, and personal temperaments will impact him as he interacts with women in relationships
b. Understanding himself, he ditches whatever old habits and tendencies he had that lead to immorality and embraces new habits of holiness.

4. Love (Ephesians 5:25)
a. Loves consistently, comprehensively, completely
b. Is willing and prepared to give all of himself to his wife

appendix to “Me, Myself and I”

I am reading “The Purpose Driven Life” by Rick Warren….MAJOR life changer….so i have a rack of excerpts from the book in the last note/blog….
Again, much love and thanks for any and everyone that has touched my life…It is appreciated….
I will always be thankful for God’s people who were placed specifically for my growth and recognition that I am in need of growth. This post was in celebration of what was deposited into me and where I aim to take it.

I take those things with me, reading this book, spending 40 days to find “me”….

Growth is definitely my focus…and motion does not mean growth, but most certainly I only move with the Father’s hand to guide me….

Me, Myself, and I

I have been called many things in the 24+ years of life I have lived….
you name it, I probably have heard it directed at me…lol
but most recently, some names and “titles” come to mind……
”self-absorbed, “Brand-New”, arrogant, egotistical, selfish…”
and all by people who claimed to have “known” me or knew the kind of person that I was.

The reality is this and only this:

I am ME.

I am certainly not any of the above of anything remotely like it…definitely not nor will ever be what people make me out to be, because I have always shown my true self to everyone and anyone who took notice or wanted to get to know me. These are preconceived notions and assumptions that have no legs to stand upon. Trust, if you truly knew anything at all about me, you would know that my life has been full of enough hardships, trails and events that have shaped and molded me into a man that is far from anything that can be associated with being self-absorbed or arrogant…I am thankful for where God and God alone has placed me in my life and allowed me to have and I am humbled because of what I had to go through to get here and ultimately will go…as far as being “Brand-New” and egotistical…ONLY in Christ am I a “new” creature, and live my life for Him and not successes that only He has afforded me…and pardon me if I am wrong, but when is having a high self-esteem, self-love and confidence considered egotistical?….I guess I better break out the thesaurus….

Kindness and love permeate my disposition…I am caring to friend and foe alike. I do not combat evil with evil, but I am human and will get angry at times. I love and love unconditionally and outwardly to others because I love myself…not prideful or arrogant, but because God’s love resides in me, I radiate that same brightness into everyone and with everything I do….

That was just to vent a little, but mainly to inform and answer questions that were placed into my mind by the enemy, that almost had me question who I was as a man and as an individual…and came very close to having me doubt the facts about me. I almost forgot that the enemy can and will use your loved ones, even God’s people against you at times…a lesson I will never take lightly again.

This, in no way, is a jab at anyone…I do not see any validation in those kinds of actions, nor is vindication necessary….I have truly moved on and only desire a want to know “Chris” and the strength of my true self. I am expressing the thoughts of an individual with much on his mind, a thirst for the truth, and a hunger for God like never before….

here’s the point…

Right now, at this time in my life, I have been called to find my true purpose…God’s plan for me…not what I believe my purpose is or what success my talents and gifts can bring me, nor what I work extra hard and grind on to ensure I achieve. Those things are unimportant. The calling for my life is much more important than my peace of mind, personal fulfillment….definitely far more greater than my happiness…Now that would be selfish, wouldn’t it?…thinking that only my happiness mattered and God ALWAYS wanted me to be happy…hardships develop growth and character…I, my friend, have certainly had much of that in the past couple of weeks….
Nevertheless, It’s not about ME….
Setting goals, making dreams come true, being a soldier and go-getter, putting my mind to it, taking every available avenue for success can and will lead to great success and will have nice “things” come my way…but being successful and fulfilling your life’s purpose are not the same thing at all! I do not desire to be successful by the World’s standards and miss the purpose that God had for me….I can be rich with wealth and fame, and reach every single personal goal I set out for myself but still not achieve God’s purpose…what I was put on this planet for.

God is constantly showing me through example that it is not about how many activities or things I stuff into an already busy schedule, it’s not about how important I look, who I know, what I have or hope to achieve, the plan I have for my life or how I hope it will go….by focusing on what matters most and taking the time to ONLY seek God’s face and not the face of another random, supplanted mate by my own choosing, I can take the time to be by myself…time to reflect on ME and become what God ultimately desires me to be….and not fit into man or woman’s fictitious standards.

I do not want to be the piece in someone’s shiny new puzzle that someone else built and has their own intentions and directions to follow. Or try to be a mashed square peg into a round hole.
Rather, I want God to finish MY puzzle…make me whole, and then I can share my “wholeness” with another woman who is complete herself…who God truly has for me and not what I desire for myself.
Hence, some alone time is very necessary.
No distractions, fairy tales, pipe dreams, pretty faces, or people that push the right buttons at the right time….just me and my Father…

I give glory to my Father all day, every day. For waking me up in the morning, for allowing me to be in my right mind, for allowing my body to be healthy and giving me the knowledge to take care of it, and for having me know that there is a season for everything…of course I could essentially go on forever, but you get the point.

I truly can reflect and thank Him for what I have been through. I do not use my past or certain situations in my life as crutches, because I have been healed and delivered from my anger and hurtful past and have never looked back upon them for sympathy from others, nor have I sought to use them as excuses. I am thankful that I am never given more than what I alone can bear through the grace of God. With pain, heartache, heartbreak, disrespect, trumped up inaccuracies and dramatics to make me look like something I am not, and malicious behavior expressed towards me, my mind, heart and character were certainly tested.
But because of it, I am so much stronger and so much better because of it…sometimes God has to slam a door shut, hard, and on your fingers before you her what He has to say…before you pay attention to the red flags waved rapidly in front of your face…and before you can be still and rely on the Father for all His needs, wants, and desires instead or your own.

No longer fearful of anything or anyone at all…because God is NOT the author of fear….

My 40 days in the “wilderness” begin now….

“Original Man”

you think you know me, huh?
but it’s only what you see
don’t base my looks as what I am
realize the content of my character
see that I feel every emotion comprehensible,
that I bleed when I am cut,
that I breathe the same air as you,
that my dreams are boundless,
that my thoughts are in abundance,
that my heart is in everything I do. . .
apperances ARE deceiving
view me as no ordinary man
but as an original individual

–Christo!–